Having a bad day? Feeling blue about the world and its sorry-excuses for do-gooders? Hop into a bus and find out how much worse your life could be!
My friend Zeke, who lives in L.A., used to take the bus everywhere. Every day, he took the bus from Hollywood down to Gardena and back again. This would be a long commute anywhere, to be sure. But in L.A., it’s almost a maniacal undertaking because of traffic.
Zeke is one of the most good-natured people you could ever meet. He’s an eagle scout, he’s funny as all hell, and he gets along with all sorts of different people.
Zeke has been through a lot on buses.
Early one day while taking the bus to work, Zeke sat down next to a bum. The bum was smelly, sure. He may not have looked pretty, yeah. And he was coughing like a choo-choo-train, presumably because he was sick. Zeke didn’t sweat it, and proceeded to fall asleep. Zeke awoke 20 minutes later when a hot blast of spit landed on the side of his face: the bum had sneezed, and pointed his shnozzle right in the vicinity of Zeke’s face. Bummer.
Another time, Zeke was taking the bus back from work. He saw a lady who was wriggling around on her seat a lot, fidgeting with what seemed like her crotch. Zeke’s a polite dude, so he didn’t stare; nor did he assume that she was up to something shady. A couple stops later, the lady gets off the bus but leaves behind a present on her seat: a bloody tampon. Turned out the lady effected the good old switcheroo on a bus full of people in the middle of rush hour. Bravo!
Lastly, Zeke was taking the shuttle bus from LAX (the airport) all the way to Pasadena. It’s maybe an hour-long drive. The time is late summer, around 9 PM. At the beginning of the shuttle ride, the bus driver informs the passengers that his heating system is kaput. Actually, it’s stuck blasting 85°, and it won’t turn off. The windows open up about two inches at the top of the bus, but that’s it. Not that it would matter: it’s 80° outside. Zeke and the rest of the passengers have just started their journey. An elderly gentleman gets up from his seat and goes into the tiny bathroom near the back of the bus. Ten minutes later, the elderly man steps out of the bathroom and goes back to his seat. Lo and behold: after two minutes, sewer-manure water is gushing from the tiny bathroom at the back, trickling down the floor of the bus. It turns out the man clogged the toilet, and the toilet malfunctioned, spewing poop and pee from its unhappy void. The bus driver had to stop what was quickly becoming the crappiest bus in L.A., and wait an hour for another bus to pick the passengers up and ferry them to their destination.
It just goes to show, be thankful for all the things you do have, on all the days you have them. You never know when life will throw spit, tampons, and poop at you like you’re a leper.